Many of you know that I haven't watched much TV at all over the past few years, save for when I am traveling. Since I've been stuck for the past week in my hotel (thanks to all the WHITE DEATH), I've been watching more TV than usual. This led to me discovering, quite innocently, the travesty that is the current Celebrity Big Brother. Now, I've never really been in to reality shows (with the exception of Joe Millionaire, which was the TV equivaent of a fiery crash on the side of the highway - you just HAD to look) but I swear this one has me hooked with its completely inexcuseable combination of stupidity, hilarity and "omg did they really just say that?!" moments.
For those of you new to the party, this edition features such notable American "celebrites" as Stephen Baldwin, Sisquo (yes, Mr. "Thong Song" himself), Ivana Trump and Heidi Fleiss. There are also a bunch of British "celebs" too - the only one I really recognize being Lady Sovereign. (And I'm not sure what being in the Sov Fan Club says about me...) Some girl named Nicola (?); a former footballer named Vinnie who is now an actor and who played the Juggernaut in the most recent X-Men movie; some girl who used to date the Rolling Stones Ronnie Wood; a guy named Jonas but who all the Brits know as "Basshunter" - which I think refers not to fishing but to music in some weird British way; some guy named Alex who is a cage fighter, has been known to cross-dress and who is famous for dating the UK's Katie Price aka Jordan, a woman who seems to be like a cross between Paris Hilton and Pamela Anderson in terms of fame for no reason and abundant plastic anatomy; and finally the lovely Stephanie Beecham (spelling?) who used to star on Dynasty and seems to be the only sane one in the bunch. She's this very posh, sophisticated older woman who seems to be in a perpetual state of amusement about teh whole lot.
What makes this show such a delicious train wreck is that these people are all messed up, each in their own way. There's our girl Heidi, who constantly looks as if she's on a Xanax diet. Her upper lip is messed up in some way that I am not sure I can attribute to too much lip injections. In fact, her whole face looks off. She has given up the sex trade to work with exotic birds and run coin-operated laundromats in a self-proclaimed "white trash" town in Nevada. Right.
Then there's Stephen Baldwin. Stevie B. Who is apparently at BFF status with Jesus. He claims to have been clean for 20 years, but as a colleague of mine pointed out, he filmed "Threesome" in 1994. And anyone who has seen that movie knows that a sober person in their right mind would not have seen that as a good career move. I mean Lara Flynn Boyle only survived thanks to "The Practice" and Jack Nicholson. So anyway, Stevie B is forever prattling on about his sobriety and his love of the Lord. He got permission to read his Bible for 1 hour a day, which thus far has turned into him preaching to the others for at least that amount of time. I don't want to imply that I find anything amiss with his religious fervor - what is so entertaining is how WEIRD he is about it. It's the way he speaks, like his words are balls in a pinball machine and they are finding their way to his mouth totally out of his control and completely at random. It's the way his eyes kind of glaze over like he's been hit by a stun gun. And finally, its his fashion sense. Just not right - on so many levels.
You have to check out the show to see all the characters for the fantastic, glorious hot messes that they all are - but I'll leave you with this tantalizing morsel. You get to see Sisquo in a Borat-style bathing suit. And hear his "booty" complimented in a British accent. I don't even know how to explain THAT part of the show.
You just have to watch it. I promise that while you may feel a few brain cells committing suicide, you will be deliciously amused and walk away feeling much, much better about your non-"celebrity" life. ;)
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