Jabberwocky

30 September 2010
Mood: Fiesty!
Theme Song: "Killing in the Name" - Rage Against The Machine (just love that last screaming chorus...)

That is my "England" face. You see how incredibly excited I am. I think this was just after I had gotten stuck behind a slow-moving transport van, a weaving bicyclist, and the British version of  Metro bus. I work 13.77  miles from my house, which according to every set of online directions I've found, should take me about 22 minutes from door-to-door. So why, WHY, unless I leave at o'dark thirty, does it take me at least 40 minutes every day? I wake up every morning feeling like P Diddy and get to the office feeling more like Suge Knight, ready to shank a m-fer with my damn shiv *grrr*

Someone asked me the other day why I stay here, since I'm always hating on England. It's a valid question, and one I consider quite frequently. I guess the truth of the matter is that I'm stubborn and filled with a certain amount of pride. If I were to run home now, it would be akin to admitting defeat. And see, that just does not work so well for me because I hate to lose. I understand that due to certain unalterable laws of mathematics as well as outside forces beyond my control, I cannot win every time. And I'm coming to terms with this. But when the situation is under my control, then it is game on, Holmes. England will not beat me, period.

So why do I stay? I stay because I can. Because there's a part of me that thinks if I can just through this first year, things will be better. I will stop being annoyed by the sub-standard roads and bad driving. I won't break into hives every time I have to listen to Girls Aloud, Biffy Clyro or JLS. I will resign myself to the fact that while it may be fresher, the way the food combined here is just awful and no amount of angry face or complaining will change that. I will learn to control my Hulk-like anger that arises whenever I have to deal with any sort of British bureaucracy, and I will accept that good customer service over here is like some mythical beast or the fountain of youth (people may talk about it, and a few may actually believe in it but it just doesn't exist).

There are some good things about England, although the fact that I can list them so quickly and in such a finite manner is rather telling...

• Baked goods. I think if England had just thrown scones at the soldiers in the Revolutionary War, they would have won by default. I know I'd put down a rifle to eat a warm, flaky sultana scone. Who needs freedom when you have jam and butter and a full belly? Tax my ass without representation, fine. Just feed me more of those round yummy things.
• Coca-Cola with real sugar. High Fructose Corn Syrup is slowly spreading its dark shadow over here, but it hasn't gotten everywhere. I can still get a Coke made with real, hoppity-hop sugary goodness. And believe you me, there is definitely a difference in the way it tastes. I can have half a Coke over here and be completely satisfied. And I'd rather have half of a real Coke than a bunch of Diet Cokes.
• Cheese. O, glorious cheese - how I love thee in all your many British versions. In America , we have Cheddar, Swiss, American, Pepperjack, Monterrey Jack. If you're lucky, or in a high-fallutin' place, you can get Brie, Gouda, Havarti and maybe a few others. Over here there are entire AISLES in normal grocery stores dedicated to JUST CHEESE. I have done some serious research and there are about 450 varieties of cheese over here - take a look!  I'm going to make it my mission to try them all!
• Chocolate. Sorry Hershey's, but European chocolate RULES. Hands down, no contest.

Hmm... I've just realised that all of the positives I'm listing are food. I guess that says something about where my priorities lie... LOL. To be fair, here are a few other ways that England doesn't totally suck -

• Public Transportation - busses, trams, trains, tubes. If you can't get there by public transport, you probably didn't want to go anyway
• Cutting, Dry Humor - if you really want to know how to properly insult someone, ask an English person. They are masters at doing it, and still sounding very proper and nice about it, too!
• Boots - I love Boots. It's no Walgreens or CVS, but it is still fun to shop there. I don't know why I think it is so fun, I just love saying "Oh well, I'm off to Boots!"
• The Queen - its just cool to be in a country that has a queen. 

And now I'm off to try to actually be productive today. And oh look, the sun is out... sort of. So if you drive by my office and see someone pressed up against the glass like a fish in a fishbowl, that is me - desperately trying to get some much needed Vitamin D. ;)

Federman out.