English Food

14 October 2010
Mood: Slightly homesick
Theme Song: for some reason "Islands in the Stream" (yes, the one with Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton) is stuck in my head... MAKE IT STOP!!

So I've been complaining about English food for some time now, and struggling to explain myself when I say everything is just...weird. After much thought, I think the best way is to just show you all what I mean. If you're anything like me, you'll see that there is edible food available, but that it is put together in very strange ways that don't seem terribly appetizing... or healthy.

The one thing I am absolutely DYING for over here is a decent salad. I don't want iceberg lettuce and bacon and chicken. I don't want iceberg lettuce and shaved carrots and one sad tomato and the culinary travesty that is "salad cream" (tastes like sour mayonnaise, should be banned globally).

Example 1 - Weird Restaurant Food
Near my office in Ashford (Kent), there is a chain restaurant called "Beefeater". Don't be fooled by the name, as you would not want to eat any beef they produce. Every time I go there for lunch, I spend a good 5 minutes staring at the menu, struck dumb by the fact that while I recognize all the food being offered, I don't understand why they must combine it the way they do.
Visit - http://www.beefeater.co.uk/a/uploaded/menus/flamingGoodMealDeals.pdf to see just what I mean

Across the street from work there is a small retail area (not exactly a strip mall) and a pub called The Pheasant.  We eat there often because it is fast, relatively inexpensive and the food isn't horrid. But there are weird combinations running amok. You have to see it to believe some of it - http://www.pheasantpub.co.uk/uploads/2f0cca3b-5c9f-d504-5d0c-83447c416f26.pdf

Example 2 - KFC and other fast food
Everyone knows that eating KFC is hazardous to your health, and that the chickeny goodness that you bask in when you open that bucket is soon going to wreak havoc on your insides. That goes without saying. But imagine that you pull into the Colonel, heart set on a meal with no nutritionally redeeming qualities only to discover -
NO MASHED POTATOES AND GRAVY. And even worse, NO EXTRA CRISPY OPTION. And the coup de grace? NO BISCUITS. Yes, you heard me. No biscuits, no packets of honey.

Ah but what do you get instead? You get... baked beans. Or corn. Or fries. Or coleslaw. Or gravy. These boneheads offer gravy but NO FREAKING BISCUITS.

Don't take my word for it, check it out for yourself - http://www.kfc.co.uk/our-menu/sides-and-drinks/

Also, there is no Wendy's. No Chipotle. No Qdoba. No Taco Bell. No Red Robin. No Taco Time. No Jack in the Box. No White Castle, even. (I am aware that there may be one or two of these somewhere in the greater London area, but they're not on every intersection like back home). Sure there's McDonald's and Burger King, but both of them are nasty no matter what country you're in. :(

Example 3 - The Grocery Store (or as the English say "Supermarket")

The first thing I have to say is that I was literally shocked into silence by the vast amounts of ... wait for it... CHEESE that exist over here. There are entire aisles filled with CHEESE. (this still amazes me, even after seeing it every week) Also, the eggs aren't refrigerated. I'm not sure how that makes me feel, seeing the eggs on a random shelf next to peanut butter and preserves. It's just weird, unholy almost. And you can't get real Ramen noodles over here. They sell "pot noodles" which look like Ramen noodles, even smell like Ramen noodles but do not taste like Ramen noodles. Which leaves me wondering - how the HELL do you f--- up Ramen noodles???

There is a hierarchy of grocery stores here. I guess it is the same in the U.S., but I suppose I have never really thought about the "class" of my grocery experience. I know that the joke is Whole Foods = Whole Paycheck, but other than that, a grocery store is a grocery store. Granted, some of the best bargains can be found in superstores (like Meijer, Fred Meyer, Super Wal-Mart) and in club stores (Costco, Sam's) - but prices are fairly standard across the board. I'm not going to try to rank the stores because I'll surely get it wrong. But I can tell you my personal experiences from shopping in Canterbury.

Morrison's - this store attracts a weird mix - screaming heathen children who seem to be unsupervised, older professionals, people of dubious employment status, and people like myself who like one or two products that only they provide (in my case, I love Greek yogurt, and Morrison's is the only place I have found that sells single-serving sizes of it instead of by the pint). This is apaprently part of the Safeway family, though I didn't know that until today when I googled it. On a positive note, the one by my house has a dry cleaner's inside and a gas station attached. (Don't even get me started on the exorbitant cost of dry cleaning over here!)

Hilariously enough, today's banner on their website is advertising baked beans, tea and "digestives" (basically tea cookies).

Sainsbury's - this store is all about the Family. I don't know if that is their goal, but every time I go in there, I am nearly run over by families doing their shopping. Zooming all over aisles, not paying attention, their children hopping all over everything... it's a nightmare! They do happen to have a nice selection of fresh fruit and vegetables and the largest selection of soups that I've found so far. They also sometimes have cheap clothing (t-shirts, stockings, socks, etc). But if you look at the website, there's not a racket they aren't into. Credit cards, Insurance, Furniture, Electronics - you name it, you can buy it at Sainsburys.com. I don't know about you, but I'd feel a bit weird knowing I got my eggs, my sofa bed and my homeowner's insurance all from my local grocery store.

Tesco - now Tesco REALLY knows how to get into everything but the kitchen sink. Check out their website. You can order all kinds of things... it is a bit like Wal-Mart, a grocery store and Target got together and had a baby. The Tesco by my house is where all the people on a budget shop. It's lit with these hideous flourescent lights, and always packed with shifty looking individuals, students and people I am sure are professional shop-lifters. I only go into it as a last resort - usually to buy something I can't find at M&S - like the kind of butter I like, or Honey Nut Cheerios, or hard alcohol. :P The good thing about Tesco is that you collect points which earn you coupons that are actually useful. The bad part about Tesco is you actually have to go shop there to use the coupons.

Marks & Spencer - this is apparently on the more "posh" end of the spectrum. The people who shop here are old people (lots of them, they come in DROVES), lots of people like myself and yuppies. I shop there because it's the nicest store in Canterbury and I love their ready-to-heat oven meals and fresh bread. Most things in the store are M&S branded but they are pretty high quality. They have the best mashed potatoes I've found (just microwave and YUM!), really good M&S brand soda and really fresh fruit & veg (oh! I sound so English ha!). They also do this thing where you can get "Dinner for 2 for £10" - an entree, a side, a dessert and a bottle of wine. That's a pretty good deal in English monies (basically $15). The M&S Food Hall is usually attached to a full Marks & Spencer, which is essentially a department store. They have great underwear and hosiery, and I've been noticing that their clothes aren't too bad either. I guess I have to admit that I also like saying that I shop at Marks & Spencer because it sounds so terribly English. :P

I know there are way more, but I'll close with a short discussion of -

Waitrose - People told me Waitrose was posh (fancy, expensive) - and they were right. It is also the only chain store I've found that has some of the American brands I miss. Like Newman's Own Light Balsamic Vinaigrette. Or Amy's Organic soups. And they have really cool ready to eat meals, great seafood and a wide selection of fresh vegetables and fruit. But you pay for this privilege. You pay for the store being clean, and neat, and ordered. You pay for clerks who are actually very nice to you. You pay for a seafood man who will get you sushi-grade salmon just the way you like it. I like Waitrose, but only for specific occasions or when I desperately need something American - or when I need something fancy, like champagne or decent ready-made sushi. And we all know those occasions happen SO OFTEN... so it is safe to say I don't frequent Waitrose that much.

I really miss American grocery stores - the variety, the space, things being where I know I can find them. I'm slowly getting used to the system over here, but it is still maddening to spend 20minutes wandering around desperately searching for "chicken broth"... only to find out there is no such thing over here and that the closest is "chicken stock" or "stock granules". Note: asking for "bouillon cubes" results in panicked, strange looks.

I suppose I'll get used to things after awhile... or go crazy and burn down the building like Milton ;)

Federman out.