Theme Song: "Murder Was the Case" - Snoop Dogg + "I Fought The Law" - Sex Pistols (a mash-up)
Things were looking up. Today is payday and so I actually have more than £3. I turned on the car to hear my man Snoop-a-Loop busting his rhymes over Katy Perry's "California Girls". I was happy. Whoo-hoo, something resembling decent music at 8:08am in England! I made it all the way to the office without encountering a single bicyclist, piece of farm equipment or other slow-moving vehicle. I even remembered to bring my greek yogurt in with me so I had a happy time breakfast with my tea.
And then I did the unthinkable. I tried to order a SIM card online so that I can have a non-work cell phone here in the UK. I was using a really cool website that was recommended to me where I can get ££ back for making normal purchases. Tesco Mobile is having a great special where you can get 500 minutes, unlimited texts and unlimited data all for just £10/month. The only thing I'd need to do is buy a handset to go with the SIM card. Silly, silly me to think it would be easy.
I completed everything online, only getting nervous when I got to the "Previous Address" section. I filled in my UK address, noting that I lived there for 10 months. I then needed to add my previous addresses so they have 3 years of history. And therein lies the rub. The system was not set up to accept non-UK addresses.
Which, by the way, floors me. England has been around for what, about a gazillion years? And they have had a steady influx of immigrants in that time. Even though I'm pretty damn special, I know for a fact that I am not the first or only American to set foot upon these hallowed shores - and I know I can't be the first Yank to want to buy a cell phone/SIM card. Everyone makes fun of America for living inside a bubble, but the English don't even know how to recognize a non-UK address online!!
So anyway, I did my best to put in my US addresses into the format provided - knowing that I would get an error message and have to call in. Which is exactly what happened. So I called Customer Care wherein my life collided with some poor soul named Amy. I explained the entire situation and she agreed to help. I just needed to give her the exact details of my US addresses, as well as my Passport number to confirm my identity and we would be good to go. After I explained that I wasn't about to lose my £10 cash back because Tesco's website hated on Americans, she even said she would bounce my order back into the online system so it would go through as normal and I would get my credit. I was feeling on top of the world when she put me on hold "to finalise my order".
Now before I continue, let me just add that as I am typing this, I get the following message from the UK Royal Mail - since I am moving, I need to BUY (no, they don't forward for free like in the U.S.) their redirection service so I can be sure to get my mail. I thought I'd take advantage of their "convenient" online service - hahahahaha, no.
Ms. Federman - Sorry, some of your personal information could not be verified. Unfortunately, this means your application for a Redirection cannot be completed online. We apologise for any inconvenience this may cause, but we take the security of your mail very seriously, and cannot process this application online. You can still apply for a Redirection by post, or by visiting your nearest Post Office™.
Sweet baby Jesus. This country serious hates me!!
So anyway... Amy came back only to tell me that my order could not go through because there was no credit check generated because I haven't lived in the UK for 3 years. Even though I told her this already. Now this wasn't her fault, but it was still maddening. Apparently what we needed to do was start all over again, only this time tell the system that I have lived in the UK for 3 years, so that it would automatically generate a credit check - so that it could be rejected, so that they could enter in all my information manually. Even though I had already given them all of this information. To say that I was upset is putting it mildly.
With old age and experience I have learned not to take my frustration out on the Amys of the world. It isn't their fault that this country is jacked up, or that they turn buying a cell phone SIM card into the equivalent of an organ donation or nuclear arms deal. But inside... oh, inside I was yelling and cursing all things English.
Me to Amy: "Have you ever seen Pretty Woman?"
Amy: "Oh, of course! Julia Roberts! I love that movie."
Me: "Remember the scene where Richard Gere gives her money to go shopping, and then she goes to Rodeo Drive and tries to buy clothes? And they wouldn't sell them to her, and she was like 'But I have all this money!' and they were like NO YOU CANNOT HAVE ANY CLOTHES...?"
Amy: "Yes (laughing)"
Me: "That is how I feel right now."
Amy: (laughter)... "I totally understand. Well, here's what I CAN do..." (and she proceeds to tell me how we're going to circumvent the system and how she's going to credit my account with the £10 I would have received from the Cash Back website had everything gone as it should have from the beginning)
Me: "Aww, you're like the nice lady in the movie who helps Julia finally find a dress. Thank you".
Now, I'm not sure what it says about me, or my life, that my first port of call is to identify with a movie character who is a hooker on the come up, but I felt it captured the situation perfectly.
Amy then transferred me to James, who took all my information again, along with a bunch of new information. I was surprised he didn't ask my blood type, my star sign or if I liked long walks on the beach, too. But finally- FINALLY - I was approved. I am sure James was very amused at the crazy American woman nearly weeping with gratitude on the other end of the line, but at least he has a good story for his friends later.
Oooh....I just received my "Thank you for your order" email.
Ten months in this country and I FINALLY get a cell phone. I swear to all that is holy I think I could have bought an Ethiopian baby with less hassle.
Victory Is Mine!!!
And it only took 1hour 12 minutes of my time this morning. >.<
Federman out.
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