And So It Begins Again...

Mood: Fiesty

So I called SkyTV today to inform them that I will be moving and no longer require their services. I wanted to know where I should return my cable box and router (pronounced "rooter" over here). Imagine my surprise when I was told that I was in a 12 month contract and so I couldn't cancel my service until January! I explained to the Customer Service Representative (named Laura, who had a delightful Scottish accent) that I believed she was mistaken, as I have never signed any contract. Never clicked anything online to that effect. Never given the verbal okay for any such thing. I shy away from any form of contract, as I don't like being trapped that way.

Well, boys and girls, it turns out that when I accepted my cable box from the installation man, I was given an "A4 size handbook" and in this handbook there is a section entitled "Terms and Conditions", and in these "Terms and Conditions", it states that by taking possession of my cable equipment, I am essentially agreeing to a 12 month contract with Sky TV!!!

To say I became a bit angry is like saying Coach Bobby Knight has a wee bit of a temper. I am proud of myself in that I didn't raise my voice - but I was very, very vocal about my feelings on the legality of this "contract" and the dubious nature in which it was executed. Playing on every Englishman's innate fear of offending another race or culture, I explained in great detail how "taken advantage of" I felt, and how I felt "discriminated towards" because, as an American, I am not familiar with the English way of hoodwinking individuals into shady contracts. **I have to admit, I had a bit of fun with trying to explain how being American put me at a marked disadvantage - when everyone knows that AMERICA IS THE BEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD ;)**

My years of dedicated Law & Order viewings came in handy as I then moved on to exercising my limited legal knowledge as I explained that to the best of my knowledge, a contract involves two people mutually agreeing on something. A contract does not involve a sweaty service technician tossing me a handbook and a remote on his way out the door.

Laura kept repeating the party line - basically there was nothing she could do, blah blah blah. I then let loose with my exact feelings on English customer service - that there isn't any.

That in America, at least people try to make the customer happy instead of just repeating things like a broken record. I remember saying something like "I'm a very unhappy customer right now, and as you can tell, I'm not a quiet person. I'm sure you don't want me telling everyone I know just exactly why SKY is horrible and why they should never use your service". When that only earned me the same repeated response of unhelpfulness, I asked to speak to a manager. When I was told that a manager probably wasn't available and couldn't help me anyway, I told her that I'd hold for a Director. "We can play this game all day, I've got time." I basically said I wanted someone with the authority to solve my problem and I wasn't going away until things were solved.

Well, at this point I think Laura realised that she had met her match - and then some, and that just repeating the same thing over and over again wasn't going to shut up the loud angry American. And what do you know, she suddenly developed a personality. We ended up having a good laugh about how things are done in England, and she agreed that their way of enforcing a "contract" left much to be desired. She asked all about how we do things in America and I explained that if I don't want something anymore, I cancel it. And that even if you've signed a contract, there is always a loophole or a way out. Most companies want your repeat business, or at least don't want you to badmouth them, so they are willing to be flexible. (She was quite amazed at this, and with the idea that no one in their right mind would sit around and wait 3-5 weeks for a phone line to be installed or for cable TV to be turned on).

Best line from Laura? "You know, I have an American friend and she sounds just like you all the time... Laura, why is England doing this to me? How is this legal? How do they get away with this???" - which was comforting as it reaffirmed my contention that I am NOT the only foreigner to be shocked and horrified by English "customer service"... I just might be the loudest one about it. I hate to say it, but sometimes I do wonder if England really and truly is a first-world country or if that is just a myth like the "One Size Fits All" thong at Victoria's Secret.

We left it that Laura was going to go up the food chain to see what could be done and I'm to call back on Monday. She kindly typed in notes of our conversation, telling me she was writing "good" notes and reading them aloud. She managed to make me sound upset and affronted but without the brute force American hyperbole. She also explained that I can get the channels I thought I didn't have on SKY (like More4 and More4+1) and so if worse comes to worse, I could possibly just transfer my service to my new address. I was pretty clear that I'd rather not do this, but then again - I'd rather not pay £200 for service I'm not using, either. And if I can get The Daily Show, at least I can sulk in peace.

I'm rather proud of myself because at the beginning of the call, I know Laura wanted to kill me, or at the very least, have me deported. But by the end of the call, she was giving me consumer watchdog sites to check out for help on contracts, telling me jokes and giving me ideas on how to work the system. *g*

I know how to use my powers of persuasion to my benefit in the U.S., but it is a whole new ballgame over here, and requires a MUCH softer, more patient touch. (On a side note, that is one thing I am being forced to learn over here, whether I like it or not: patience. There is just no other option, and believe me, I've tried to find one)

I think the funniest part of this whole situation was that I managed to scare our new Marketing Assistant, who is right out of University. Apparently she was sitting there listening, mouth hanging open, and rather worried until Emma leaned over and said, "Oh, don't worry, this is nothing. Everything's fine. It's just SKY."  ;)

My team at work is used to this kind of call from me. When I first moved, I had several acrimonious - and now legendary - calls with British Telephone, British Gas, SKY, you name it. And I was much, much angrier and far less reasonable. (I was homesick, exhausted, frustrated and in a generally pissed off mood about England in general). I have since mellowed as I have adjusted to the speed and style of my surroundings.

Next week I get to call the utilities, and I'm sure that will be a barrel of laughs. I will be so happy when I'm all moved, everything is arranged, and things can go back to normal again. Or whatever is passing for "normal" these days in my life. Because after all, I'm still in England.

Federman out.