Anything worth having is worth fighting for... (Mobile Phone Adventures!)

Mood:  "You're gonna eat lightnin' and you're gonna crap thunder"

Theme Song: "Murder Was the Case" - Snoop Dogg + "I Fought The Law" - Sex Pistols (a mash-up)

This morning started out like any other morning. I woke up, growled at my alarm, hit snooze. Lay in bed feeling guilty for hitting snooze, and so got out of bed 5 minutes later. Showered, put on a reasonably matching outfit, tried to get into the car from the wrong side and made the ever-so-annoying commute into the office.

Things were looking up. Today is payday and so I actually have more than £3. I turned on the car to hear my man Snoop-a-Loop busting his rhymes over Katy Perry's "California Girls". I was happy. Whoo-hoo, something resembling decent music at 8:08am in England! I made it all the way to the office without encountering a single bicyclist, piece of farm equipment or other slow-moving vehicle. I even remembered to bring my greek yogurt in with me so I had a happy time breakfast with my tea.

And then I did the unthinkable. I tried to order a SIM card online so that I can have a non-work cell phone here in the UK. I was using a really cool website that was recommended to me where I can get ££ back for making normal purchases. Tesco Mobile is having a great special where you can get 500 minutes, unlimited texts and unlimited data all for just £10/month. The only thing I'd need to do is buy a handset to go with the SIM card. Silly, silly me to think it would be easy.

I completed everything online, only getting nervous when I got to the "Previous Address" section. I filled in my UK address, noting that I lived there for 10 months. I then needed to add my previous addresses so they have 3 years of history. And therein lies the rub. The system was not set up to accept non-UK addresses.

Which, by the way, floors me. England has been around for what, about a gazillion years? And they have had a steady influx of immigrants in that time. Even though I'm pretty damn special, I know for a fact that I am not the first or only American to set foot upon these hallowed shores - and I know I can't be the first Yank to want to buy a cell phone/SIM card. Everyone makes fun of America for living inside a bubble, but the English don't even know how to recognize a non-UK address online!!

So anyway, I did my best to put in my US addresses into the format provided - knowing that I would get an error message and have to call in. Which is exactly what happened. So I called Customer Care wherein my life collided with some poor soul named Amy. I explained the entire situation and she agreed to help. I just needed to give her the exact details of my US addresses, as well as my Passport number to confirm my identity and we would be good to go. After I explained that I wasn't about to lose my £10 cash back because Tesco's website hated on Americans, she even said she would bounce my order back into the online system so it would go through as normal and I would get my credit. I was feeling on top of the world when she put me on hold "to finalise my order".

Now before I continue, let me just add that as I am typing this, I get the following message from the UK Royal Mail - since I am moving, I need to BUY (no, they don't forward for free like in the U.S.) their redirection service so I can be sure to get my mail. I thought I'd take advantage of their "convenient" online service - hahahahaha, no.

Ms. Federman - Sorry, some of your personal information could not be verified. Unfortunately, this means your application for a Redirection cannot be completed online. We apologise for any inconvenience this may cause, but we take the security of your mail very seriously, and cannot process this application online. You can still apply for a Redirection by post, or by visiting your nearest Post Office™.

Sweet baby Jesus. This country serious hates me!!

So anyway... Amy came back only to tell me that my order could not go through because there was no credit check generated because I haven't lived in the UK for 3 years. Even though I told her this already. Now this wasn't her fault, but it was still maddening. Apparently what we needed to do was start all over again, only this time tell the system that I have lived in the UK for 3 years, so that it would automatically generate a credit check - so that it could be rejected, so that they could enter in all my information manually. Even though I had already given them all of this information. To say that I was upset is putting it mildly.

With old age and experience I have learned not to take my frustration out on the Amys of the world. It isn't their fault that this country is jacked up, or that they turn buying a cell phone SIM card into the equivalent of an organ donation or nuclear arms deal. But inside... oh, inside I was yelling and cursing all things English.

Me to Amy: "Have you ever seen Pretty Woman?"
Amy: "Oh, of course! Julia Roberts! I love that movie."
Me: "Remember the scene where Richard Gere gives her money to go shopping, and then she goes to Rodeo Drive and tries to buy clothes? And they wouldn't sell them to her, and she was like 'But I have all this money!' and they were like NO YOU CANNOT HAVE ANY CLOTHES...?"
Amy: "Yes (laughing)"
Me: "That is how I feel right now."
Amy: (laughter)... "I totally understand. Well, here's what I CAN do..." (and she proceeds to tell me how we're going to circumvent the system and how she's going to credit my account with the £10 I would have received from the Cash Back website had everything gone as it should have from the beginning)
Me:  "Aww, you're like the nice lady in the movie who helps Julia finally find a dress. Thank you".

Now, I'm not sure what it says about me, or my life, that my first port of call is to identify with a movie character who is a hooker on the come up, but I felt it captured the situation perfectly.

Amy then transferred me to James, who took all my information again, along with a bunch of new information. I was surprised he didn't ask my blood type, my star sign or if I liked long walks on the beach, too. But finally- FINALLY - I was approved. I am sure James was very amused at the crazy American woman nearly weeping with gratitude on the other end of the line, but at least he has a good story for his friends later.

Oooh....I just received my "Thank you for your order" email.
Ten months in this country and I FINALLY get a cell phone. I swear to all that is holy I think I could have bought an Ethiopian baby with less hassle.

Victory Is Mine!!!

And it only took 1hour 12 minutes of my time this morning. >.<

Federman out.

And So It Begins Again...

Mood: Fiesty

So I called SkyTV today to inform them that I will be moving and no longer require their services. I wanted to know where I should return my cable box and router (pronounced "rooter" over here). Imagine my surprise when I was told that I was in a 12 month contract and so I couldn't cancel my service until January! I explained to the Customer Service Representative (named Laura, who had a delightful Scottish accent) that I believed she was mistaken, as I have never signed any contract. Never clicked anything online to that effect. Never given the verbal okay for any such thing. I shy away from any form of contract, as I don't like being trapped that way.

Well, boys and girls, it turns out that when I accepted my cable box from the installation man, I was given an "A4 size handbook" and in this handbook there is a section entitled "Terms and Conditions", and in these "Terms and Conditions", it states that by taking possession of my cable equipment, I am essentially agreeing to a 12 month contract with Sky TV!!!

To say I became a bit angry is like saying Coach Bobby Knight has a wee bit of a temper. I am proud of myself in that I didn't raise my voice - but I was very, very vocal about my feelings on the legality of this "contract" and the dubious nature in which it was executed. Playing on every Englishman's innate fear of offending another race or culture, I explained in great detail how "taken advantage of" I felt, and how I felt "discriminated towards" because, as an American, I am not familiar with the English way of hoodwinking individuals into shady contracts. **I have to admit, I had a bit of fun with trying to explain how being American put me at a marked disadvantage - when everyone knows that AMERICA IS THE BEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD ;)**

My years of dedicated Law & Order viewings came in handy as I then moved on to exercising my limited legal knowledge as I explained that to the best of my knowledge, a contract involves two people mutually agreeing on something. A contract does not involve a sweaty service technician tossing me a handbook and a remote on his way out the door.

Laura kept repeating the party line - basically there was nothing she could do, blah blah blah. I then let loose with my exact feelings on English customer service - that there isn't any.

That in America, at least people try to make the customer happy instead of just repeating things like a broken record. I remember saying something like "I'm a very unhappy customer right now, and as you can tell, I'm not a quiet person. I'm sure you don't want me telling everyone I know just exactly why SKY is horrible and why they should never use your service". When that only earned me the same repeated response of unhelpfulness, I asked to speak to a manager. When I was told that a manager probably wasn't available and couldn't help me anyway, I told her that I'd hold for a Director. "We can play this game all day, I've got time." I basically said I wanted someone with the authority to solve my problem and I wasn't going away until things were solved.

Well, at this point I think Laura realised that she had met her match - and then some, and that just repeating the same thing over and over again wasn't going to shut up the loud angry American. And what do you know, she suddenly developed a personality. We ended up having a good laugh about how things are done in England, and she agreed that their way of enforcing a "contract" left much to be desired. She asked all about how we do things in America and I explained that if I don't want something anymore, I cancel it. And that even if you've signed a contract, there is always a loophole or a way out. Most companies want your repeat business, or at least don't want you to badmouth them, so they are willing to be flexible. (She was quite amazed at this, and with the idea that no one in their right mind would sit around and wait 3-5 weeks for a phone line to be installed or for cable TV to be turned on).

Best line from Laura? "You know, I have an American friend and she sounds just like you all the time... Laura, why is England doing this to me? How is this legal? How do they get away with this???" - which was comforting as it reaffirmed my contention that I am NOT the only foreigner to be shocked and horrified by English "customer service"... I just might be the loudest one about it. I hate to say it, but sometimes I do wonder if England really and truly is a first-world country or if that is just a myth like the "One Size Fits All" thong at Victoria's Secret.

We left it that Laura was going to go up the food chain to see what could be done and I'm to call back on Monday. She kindly typed in notes of our conversation, telling me she was writing "good" notes and reading them aloud. She managed to make me sound upset and affronted but without the brute force American hyperbole. She also explained that I can get the channels I thought I didn't have on SKY (like More4 and More4+1) and so if worse comes to worse, I could possibly just transfer my service to my new address. I was pretty clear that I'd rather not do this, but then again - I'd rather not pay £200 for service I'm not using, either. And if I can get The Daily Show, at least I can sulk in peace.

I'm rather proud of myself because at the beginning of the call, I know Laura wanted to kill me, or at the very least, have me deported. But by the end of the call, she was giving me consumer watchdog sites to check out for help on contracts, telling me jokes and giving me ideas on how to work the system. *g*

I know how to use my powers of persuasion to my benefit in the U.S., but it is a whole new ballgame over here, and requires a MUCH softer, more patient touch. (On a side note, that is one thing I am being forced to learn over here, whether I like it or not: patience. There is just no other option, and believe me, I've tried to find one)

I think the funniest part of this whole situation was that I managed to scare our new Marketing Assistant, who is right out of University. Apparently she was sitting there listening, mouth hanging open, and rather worried until Emma leaned over and said, "Oh, don't worry, this is nothing. Everything's fine. It's just SKY."  ;)

My team at work is used to this kind of call from me. When I first moved, I had several acrimonious - and now legendary - calls with British Telephone, British Gas, SKY, you name it. And I was much, much angrier and far less reasonable. (I was homesick, exhausted, frustrated and in a generally pissed off mood about England in general). I have since mellowed as I have adjusted to the speed and style of my surroundings.

Next week I get to call the utilities, and I'm sure that will be a barrel of laughs. I will be so happy when I'm all moved, everything is arranged, and things can go back to normal again. Or whatever is passing for "normal" these days in my life. Because after all, I'm still in England.

Federman out.

English Food

14 October 2010
Mood: Slightly homesick
Theme Song: for some reason "Islands in the Stream" (yes, the one with Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton) is stuck in my head... MAKE IT STOP!!

So I've been complaining about English food for some time now, and struggling to explain myself when I say everything is just...weird. After much thought, I think the best way is to just show you all what I mean. If you're anything like me, you'll see that there is edible food available, but that it is put together in very strange ways that don't seem terribly appetizing... or healthy.

The one thing I am absolutely DYING for over here is a decent salad. I don't want iceberg lettuce and bacon and chicken. I don't want iceberg lettuce and shaved carrots and one sad tomato and the culinary travesty that is "salad cream" (tastes like sour mayonnaise, should be banned globally).

Example 1 - Weird Restaurant Food
Near my office in Ashford (Kent), there is a chain restaurant called "Beefeater". Don't be fooled by the name, as you would not want to eat any beef they produce. Every time I go there for lunch, I spend a good 5 minutes staring at the menu, struck dumb by the fact that while I recognize all the food being offered, I don't understand why they must combine it the way they do.
Visit - http://www.beefeater.co.uk/a/uploaded/menus/flamingGoodMealDeals.pdf to see just what I mean

Across the street from work there is a small retail area (not exactly a strip mall) and a pub called The Pheasant.  We eat there often because it is fast, relatively inexpensive and the food isn't horrid. But there are weird combinations running amok. You have to see it to believe some of it - http://www.pheasantpub.co.uk/uploads/2f0cca3b-5c9f-d504-5d0c-83447c416f26.pdf

Example 2 - KFC and other fast food
Everyone knows that eating KFC is hazardous to your health, and that the chickeny goodness that you bask in when you open that bucket is soon going to wreak havoc on your insides. That goes without saying. But imagine that you pull into the Colonel, heart set on a meal with no nutritionally redeeming qualities only to discover -
NO MASHED POTATOES AND GRAVY. And even worse, NO EXTRA CRISPY OPTION. And the coup de grace? NO BISCUITS. Yes, you heard me. No biscuits, no packets of honey.

Ah but what do you get instead? You get... baked beans. Or corn. Or fries. Or coleslaw. Or gravy. These boneheads offer gravy but NO FREAKING BISCUITS.

Don't take my word for it, check it out for yourself - http://www.kfc.co.uk/our-menu/sides-and-drinks/

Also, there is no Wendy's. No Chipotle. No Qdoba. No Taco Bell. No Red Robin. No Taco Time. No Jack in the Box. No White Castle, even. (I am aware that there may be one or two of these somewhere in the greater London area, but they're not on every intersection like back home). Sure there's McDonald's and Burger King, but both of them are nasty no matter what country you're in. :(

Example 3 - The Grocery Store (or as the English say "Supermarket")

The first thing I have to say is that I was literally shocked into silence by the vast amounts of ... wait for it... CHEESE that exist over here. There are entire aisles filled with CHEESE. (this still amazes me, even after seeing it every week) Also, the eggs aren't refrigerated. I'm not sure how that makes me feel, seeing the eggs on a random shelf next to peanut butter and preserves. It's just weird, unholy almost. And you can't get real Ramen noodles over here. They sell "pot noodles" which look like Ramen noodles, even smell like Ramen noodles but do not taste like Ramen noodles. Which leaves me wondering - how the HELL do you f--- up Ramen noodles???

There is a hierarchy of grocery stores here. I guess it is the same in the U.S., but I suppose I have never really thought about the "class" of my grocery experience. I know that the joke is Whole Foods = Whole Paycheck, but other than that, a grocery store is a grocery store. Granted, some of the best bargains can be found in superstores (like Meijer, Fred Meyer, Super Wal-Mart) and in club stores (Costco, Sam's) - but prices are fairly standard across the board. I'm not going to try to rank the stores because I'll surely get it wrong. But I can tell you my personal experiences from shopping in Canterbury.

Morrison's - this store attracts a weird mix - screaming heathen children who seem to be unsupervised, older professionals, people of dubious employment status, and people like myself who like one or two products that only they provide (in my case, I love Greek yogurt, and Morrison's is the only place I have found that sells single-serving sizes of it instead of by the pint). This is apaprently part of the Safeway family, though I didn't know that until today when I googled it. On a positive note, the one by my house has a dry cleaner's inside and a gas station attached. (Don't even get me started on the exorbitant cost of dry cleaning over here!)

Hilariously enough, today's banner on their website is advertising baked beans, tea and "digestives" (basically tea cookies).

Sainsbury's - this store is all about the Family. I don't know if that is their goal, but every time I go in there, I am nearly run over by families doing their shopping. Zooming all over aisles, not paying attention, their children hopping all over everything... it's a nightmare! They do happen to have a nice selection of fresh fruit and vegetables and the largest selection of soups that I've found so far. They also sometimes have cheap clothing (t-shirts, stockings, socks, etc). But if you look at the website, there's not a racket they aren't into. Credit cards, Insurance, Furniture, Electronics - you name it, you can buy it at Sainsburys.com. I don't know about you, but I'd feel a bit weird knowing I got my eggs, my sofa bed and my homeowner's insurance all from my local grocery store.

Tesco - now Tesco REALLY knows how to get into everything but the kitchen sink. Check out their website. You can order all kinds of things... it is a bit like Wal-Mart, a grocery store and Target got together and had a baby. The Tesco by my house is where all the people on a budget shop. It's lit with these hideous flourescent lights, and always packed with shifty looking individuals, students and people I am sure are professional shop-lifters. I only go into it as a last resort - usually to buy something I can't find at M&S - like the kind of butter I like, or Honey Nut Cheerios, or hard alcohol. :P The good thing about Tesco is that you collect points which earn you coupons that are actually useful. The bad part about Tesco is you actually have to go shop there to use the coupons.

Marks & Spencer - this is apparently on the more "posh" end of the spectrum. The people who shop here are old people (lots of them, they come in DROVES), lots of people like myself and yuppies. I shop there because it's the nicest store in Canterbury and I love their ready-to-heat oven meals and fresh bread. Most things in the store are M&S branded but they are pretty high quality. They have the best mashed potatoes I've found (just microwave and YUM!), really good M&S brand soda and really fresh fruit & veg (oh! I sound so English ha!). They also do this thing where you can get "Dinner for 2 for £10" - an entree, a side, a dessert and a bottle of wine. That's a pretty good deal in English monies (basically $15). The M&S Food Hall is usually attached to a full Marks & Spencer, which is essentially a department store. They have great underwear and hosiery, and I've been noticing that their clothes aren't too bad either. I guess I have to admit that I also like saying that I shop at Marks & Spencer because it sounds so terribly English. :P

I know there are way more, but I'll close with a short discussion of -

Waitrose - People told me Waitrose was posh (fancy, expensive) - and they were right. It is also the only chain store I've found that has some of the American brands I miss. Like Newman's Own Light Balsamic Vinaigrette. Or Amy's Organic soups. And they have really cool ready to eat meals, great seafood and a wide selection of fresh vegetables and fruit. But you pay for this privilege. You pay for the store being clean, and neat, and ordered. You pay for clerks who are actually very nice to you. You pay for a seafood man who will get you sushi-grade salmon just the way you like it. I like Waitrose, but only for specific occasions or when I desperately need something American - or when I need something fancy, like champagne or decent ready-made sushi. And we all know those occasions happen SO OFTEN... so it is safe to say I don't frequent Waitrose that much.

I really miss American grocery stores - the variety, the space, things being where I know I can find them. I'm slowly getting used to the system over here, but it is still maddening to spend 20minutes wandering around desperately searching for "chicken broth"... only to find out there is no such thing over here and that the closest is "chicken stock" or "stock granules". Note: asking for "bouillon cubes" results in panicked, strange looks.

I suppose I'll get used to things after awhile... or go crazy and burn down the building like Milton ;)

Federman out.