And I was running...

That day, for no particular reason, I decided to go for a little run. So I ran to the end of the road. And when I got there, I thought maybe I'd run to the end of town. And when I got there, I thought maybe I'd just run across Greenbow County. And I figured, since I run this far, maybe I'd just run across the great state of Alabama. And that's what I did. I ran clear across Alabama. For no particular reason I just kept on going. I ran clear to the ocean. And when I got there, I figured, since I'd gone this far, I might as well turn around, just keep on going. When I got to another ocean, I figured, since I'd gone this far, I might as well just turn back, keep right on going.

So I didn't run across Alabama, or any states, and I'm pretty sure I could drive the distance I ran in about 10 minutes or something, but I am damn proud to share that I have officially finished my first half-marathon. I am especially proud because if you would have asked me this last year at this time if I would have run five K, I would have laughed at you. Not because I couldn't run, or had never run (I was running 5k every morning for awhile there when I lived in London), but because the idea of a race seemed so far away from my mental space. If you would have asked me six months ago, back in October, I might have told you sure, 5k is doable, but only just that. Because I was not a runner, I had no time to run, I mean who has the time or energy to do these things after such long days at work?

And then right around that time, my friend W shared that she had registered for the Berlin Half Marathon during her birthday weekend, and since we have been celebrating her birthday together over the past few years as time/location allowed, I should join her. I think she was half-joking, half serious. Or maybe she wasn't. But for some reason, I said, ok sure, I'll do it.

Time for some truth. When I signed up, I did it knowing that I might back out. Actually, I was about 75% sure there was no way in hell I was running any such sort of half marathon anything. I remember checking the time to see if I could walk it, or what would happen if I just stopped at some point and took a taxi back to the hotel. I had all sorts of contingency plans. You all know me, I always have a back-up. But I sent off my payment, and added it to my calendar and got on the Nike+ running app, and started trying to exercise each day. I think the first program it put me on was a beginner's 10k, which involved a lot of walk/run at the start. I remember those first couple weeks. It was hard. I would walk a k, then try to run one, and it was brutal. I remember thinking - how in the hell did I do this every morning, and more importantly, why did I ever think this was fun?! The walk/run gradually changed to jog and then run, and before I knew it had done a 5k all the way through running. The time was abysmal - I think maybe 36 minutes (I used to be able to do 26 or 27 on a really, really good day)- but it happened. And I began to have just a tiny bit of hope. I was inconsistent with the program due to travel, but one day in a hotel gym I was running and not getting super tired and so I decided to see if I could keep going. I had to stop a couple times along the way, but I ended up clearing 10k. Didn't break any land-speed records, but I got the distance in. I kept up some sporadic training - running when I could - up until the Christmas holidays and my trip to Costa Rica. I even tried a bit of running then, but mostly I didn't. I also ended up getting really, really sick with a terrible sinus infection that wouldn't have let me run even if I tried.

My Nike+ training for the marathon was scheduled for 11 January, a date that was burned into my memory. After I got back from Costa Rica, and got over (finally!) my illness, I decided that I couldn't half-ass this thing. I took a long hard look at my diet. No more alcohol (although after my illness, I couldn't stomach the thought for some reason). No more white carbs - and very, very little of the brown ones. Up the protein. Keep the good fats. Tear up the delivery menus. And stick to the training - no matter what. I promised myself that barring an injury or some sort of apocalyptic weather pattern, I was running. Traveling? Hit the hotel gym. Find a path. No excuse.

I'm happy to say that for my 12 week plan, I only missed one day. That was in week 10 when my body was like TAKE A BREAK DAMN YOU, TAKE A BREAK. I've learned from my friends who are more experienced runners to "respect the rest". Sometimes your body just says no - and not the Saturday morning "no I don't want to run 15k no no no let me sleep please" no, but the "I'm about to collapse, don't you dare" no. So I took a day off, and found I felt better and it paid off later. I'm also happy to say that I've drastically overhauled my food and lifestyle choices. I've had some drinks since January, but NOTHING compared to my life before. Strangely, I no longer crave wine. I used to LOVE wine. Now, I like a half a beer or so - or if I'm feeling really adventurous, a vodka tonic. I am not anti-alcohol, and I do still enjoy a drink or two - but I also know that those drinks have a "cost" to my body, and so I should make those choices wisely.

I've seen great changes in my body. I don't know exactly how much weight I lost, but I do know that at some point around week 7 or 8, my running pants began to literally fall off me while running. I was running in my size 10 Lululemons - which I had previously loved for their expanding qualities ("ate a whole pizza? No problem, fam. We got you!" - these pants). I had pulled the inner string as tight as I could and triple knotted it and they were still too loose. Given that I plan on running and most likely will probably lose more weight, I didn't want to invest in more Lulus at this point, so off I went to TJ Maxx on a work trip to DC. Imagine my surprise when what fit was a size small. I bet if I were to weigh myself the actual pounds wouldn't be so much - but I've lost flab and gained definition. I've also lost a lot of what I jokingly call my "biscuits" - aka muffin top gone crazy. I really hadn't realized the extent of said biscuits until I saw some pictures from Turkey and then Costa Rica. (CR was better, but only by like one biscuit or so). I also realized I'm a master at camouflaging myself in clothes that probably shouldn't no actually don't really fit. My closet hasn't changed that much - but the way the clothes fit definitely has. Things are loose or too loose. Dresses seem way longer now that I don't have the baker's dozen of dough holding them up. Shirts fit altogether differently. The other day I was able to tuck a shirt in and not even think twice - something that is an amazing feat when you've struggled with your weight your whole life.

I should add that I didn't do this to lose weight. That wasn't on my mind as I pounded the pavement. I was thinking about a goal, and proving to myself that I could do it. I changed my eating to fuel my body to achieve that goal. The change in my body has been a very, very nice side effect - and one that will of course encourage me to keep going.

Running the actual half marathon was harder than I thought. For starters, there were 30,000 of my closest friends nearby. Seriously, the place was jammed. Start time was 10:05, but that was for the elite groups apparently. We had to wait around for 45 minutes to go (I was in the last block, which was for super slow and/or people with no prior recorded times). By the time we actually started running, I was tired and wanted a nap. I couldn't get a pace - people were jammed so close to me and in front, on the side, in back - so it was like a constant zig zag. When I run, I like space and I like to set a pace and keep it. My times were all over the place, going from like 05:15/km the first km, 06:45 the second km 06:10 the third km, and so on. I think my official time of 2:25 shows me at around 07:20/km - which factors in my bathroom break (and queue for the porta potty) and three times I had to stop. Once for shoe tying, once because I was sort of run off the road by crazies behind me and once because my knee decided it didn't want to be a knee anymore around 14km. I think it had goals of being a wet noodle instead. So I had to stop, do a few stretches, have a long talk with the knee, and then get back in the horde. My Nike app has me more at 2:15 for the race, which would not take into account these little detours. Either way, I'm pleased with my time. I wanted under 2:30, and I got it. I wanted to make it, and I did.

Races are different than road running. I had run the 21km distance twice already leading up to my training - one as part of the training and once by accident when a GPS calibration issue meant I exceeded my 19km run by a bit. I didn't have issues then. I finished tired - and the bottoms of my feet hurt hurt hurt - but I wasn't achy or anything. In this race, I found my knees started to really hurt around 12km in - I think from all the evasive running action. You don't just run straight in big crowds - its like a sideways run, constantly on the alert for obstacles. I didn't train for an obstacle run, and so I don't think my body was ready for the constant speed up - slow down - dance to the left - dance to the right, weave around - that is a huge run. We also ran on the road, not on the sidewalks - and I think the consistency is different. I also think there was a mental factor for me - I was still horribly tired from jet lag. Note to self: DO NOT TRAVEL THE WEEK BEFORE A HALF MARATHON. Just don't. I was off my schedule, eating differently, sleeping differently. I arrived back in Germany Thursday morning, only to have my run be on Sunday morning. DO NOT DO THIS, PEOPLE.

I also had a waist pack that I use to hold my phone for music. I need to find a better solution for music and time tracking. Anyone know of a watch that holds  2h+ of music and can track time and doesn't die? I tried my iPod nano in training (I think that's what it's called) and it died after 5k. It was super comfortable and clipped right on to my shirt, but a dead battery takes all the fun away.

My biggest learning? Just do it. Seriously. As a marketer, I love Nike's slogan for it's simplicity. As a newbie runner, I love it even more for telling the truth. Just get up, go out there and do it. You run a 15 min kilometer? Great. A 20 minute mile? Great. No one cares. Just. go. do. it. You work and have kids and no time? Do you watch TV? If you have 30 min for Real Housewives, or Sons of Anarchy or whatever the hip kids are watching these days, you have 30 min to train. If you watch 2 shows, you have an hour. You make time. My first long run, I was all haterade 100% of the time. By my 3rd, I looked forward to it. The sun was getting up around 6:30, I was out the door around 7 - and back by 9 or 10 to have a full Saturday anyway, one complete with the good feeling that exercise brings.

It will suck. You will have days when you think you just cannot. I had a day in Thailand on the treadmill where I was like - nope. I was supposed to run 11k. I got to 8 and just could not. So the next day I added in 1.5 and the following another 1.5. I got to my distance goal. I've had to switch out rest days for running days due to travel. I had to get through 16 boring-ass kilometers on the treadmill during my vacation (that was SO boring, thank goodness I could watch Across the Universe on TV while running). I ran in the rain. I ran in the snow. I fell on black ice (not recommended). I then bought grips for the bottom of my running shoes, and a solid running jacket that repels moisture. I learned about eating too soon before running (most runners know about having to make the quick run back to the house to get to the bathroom!). I learned about drinking too much water before running. (Oh, hello there cafe, no I don't want to buy anything, just using your bathroom, ok thanks bye). I learned about not eating enough before running - you feel like a car sounds when it is almost out of gas. I learned about splits, and reverse splits and strides. Mostly, I learned about ME. About my body, and about what it is capable of. I have learned to love and appreciate my body, because it can be powerful and do great things. I have learned to feed it well, with the right things, because in doing so, I care for myself and enable myself to be successful. I have learned to take time for ME - time that isn't sitting on a couch reading, or watching TV, or anything else passive.

This journey has been amazing. Do I think I will ever be a fast runner? Probably not, but who knows. Will I ever be elite? Again, without robot parts, probably not. Will I ever become one of those uber-obsessed runners with the weird muscles and legs? Definitely not. But am I, undoubtedly, now a runner? Yes.

And so, despite the fact that as I'm typing this, I'm well aware of the throbbing from my right knee and of the fact that walking down stairs is not really a possibility right now and that my legs ache and my arms ache and all of me aches - I have already signed up for my next running adventure. Reykjavik Half Marathon, here I come!


Huge thanks to W - who got me on this path, to my friends and family for being so supportive, and to MS for the daily countdown emails that kept my mind right!

Everything is edible, some things only once.

Greetings from sunny Costa Rica! As I'm waiting for my good friend Katie to join me for the second week of my adventures, I thought I would reflect on the past week here.

The quote in the title is courtesy of Jimmy, my tour guide during my aerial tram ride in the Rainforest Adventures Pacific park. He said he stole it from the Marx brothers, but I still found it hilarious.

I arrived into beautiful, sunny Costa Rica last Friday after what can best be described as a frenetic few last weeks of work, during which I presented twice to senior management and led a 2 day meeting in New York. To say I was ready for a vacation was the understatement of the year, as I was wound up tighter than I have been in quite some time. The benefit of a year of nearly non-stop business travel is that I have been able to use hotel points for both weeks of my stay, making this trip quite affordable. I began my adventures in San Jose, at the local Marriott. I cannot recommend this hotel enough. I have been lucky enough to stay in some really fancy places around the world, including some 5* properties known to house royalty, politicians and Hollywood stars. And yet, this small Marriott, tucked away in the heart of San Jose, has offered the best service I have ever experienced. Nearly every staff member I encountered knew my name and the restaurant and bar staff remembered my name, room number and drink choice. Everyone always had a smile and a happy greeting and seemed to genuinely enjoy their jobs. After a truly dismal experience at a W in New York, it was refreshing to be in a property that truly seemed to care about their customers.

I got in late on Friday and headed straight to my room, did not pass go. I unpacked and fell into a dreamless sleep born from exhaustion and the strain of a nearly 17hour journey from Germany. I awoke late on Saturday and had my first Costa Rican breakfast. Can I just say that I could live on breakfast here alone? Rice and beans and delicious salsa, complete with perfectly cooked eggs and a soft, hot and fresh tortilla. My mouth waters just thinking about it! I then headed to the local TAM Tour office to plan out my week of adventures. Being in San Jose meant that for the first week, I was centrally located and just a couple hours ride from any major attraction (rainforest, volcanos, etc). I then spent the rest of the afternoon by the pool, catching up on my reading before hitting the gym for a good 45 minutes of running. For some reason, I am always ready to run long and hard after taking a transatlantic flight. Maybe my body just can't stand being cooped up inside the plane.

On Sunday, I did the San Jose City Tour, which was eye opening. We visited major attractions in the city, including Sabana Park, the National Theatre, the Children's Museum, the Gold Museum, the University of Costa Rica, the Supreme Court and Congress. Many of the old buildings were gorgeous - in a colonial style very reminiscent of San Juan (Puerto Rico) - which makes sense given the Spanish were in both places and the overall proximity. During the tour, I learned that Costa Rica has a rich history with regard to the Jewish people, which I didn't know. There is a strong connection between Israel and San Jose, and apparently a lot of Israelis visit the country for vacation.

Tour guide explaining Jewish connection to CR; look closely at the statue and you will see the six sided star 

Our tour guide, who was absolutely hilarious, also shared with us that the government of Costa Rica seems to be terribly corrupt - at one point, he stopped outside Congress and told us that inside lived "Ali Baba and the 58 Thieves". I never found out if the extra 18 thieves were added to equal the members of congress, or if he just thought there were a LOT of thieves. While early leaders in the country were fair and tried to set up a good system, recent administrations have seemed to milk the country for their own benefit. Another thing we learned was that Costa Rica has had no army since 1948 - basically since when a civil war divided the country and finally the leadership had enough. The money that would go into raising an army is instead funnelled into education, leading to a greater than 98% literacy rate. Being a teacher is a coveted, and - for Costa Rica - well-paid position. All children are mandated to get an education and the government is quite rigorous in enforcing this. Something I think maybe other countries could learn from...

I think the most exciting part of the city trip was getting caught in crazy city traffic. In addition to allowing us time to view the fashions of the people here (think Brooklyn club wear, worn always 2-3 sizes too small), it also enabled us to almost hit several cars. We turned down a street that was supposed to be parking on only one side, but it seemed several cars had decided to park on the left side anyway. This meant our bus couldn't go forward - and we couldn't go backwards due to the traffic.

Here I am, pointing out the offending red truck that blocked our bus. This was an exciting experience involving lots of locals, the police and many horns and expletives.

On Monday, I did what is known as the "Combo Tour", which took us to Poas Volcano National Park, Doka Estate Coffee plantation and La Paz Waterfall gardens. This tour required a 6:50am start, so it was good thing that with the time difference, I found myself wide awake at 5am. We started at the coffee plantation - which was really cool to learn about how coffee is grown and milled. The hype about Costa Rican coffee is not unfounded - it truly is delicious.

This is an actual coffee bean pod opened up, to show two beans. If the pod has just one bean, it is separated because the kind that only produces one bean makes the best kind of coffee.

After the coffee tour, and ending up all hopped up on chocolate covered coffee beans, we headed to Poas Volcano National Park. When we left the coffee plantation, it was sunny and gorgeous weather. When we got to the volcano, it was pouring rain, the sleeting, slanting, completely drenching kind. I've learned that in Costa Rica, weather doesn't change with distance, it changes with altitude. And the higher you go, the more likely it is that - even in the dry season - it will rain. The tour guide was apologetic, as he had done the tour the day before and it was dry and sunny. Given the near bathtime-qualities of the rain, I opted out of the short hike up to the volcano because given the fog and rain, there was nothing to be seen. I did buy myself a poncho to be prepared for future adventures. Following the volcano, we drove on to the La Paz Waterfall Gardens. By this time, the entire bus was on the verge of revolt as it was nearly 1pm and we hadn't had lunch. But before we could get lunch, we needed to walk through the animal rescue center... in the rain, of course. I won't lie, the animals were awesome to see. But Jorge, our poor tour guide, quickly learned the meaning of the word "hangry" as the group nearly went into full-on mutiny, given that breakfast was at 7am. We finally got to the food around 2:10pm, and I can't even remember what I ate, only that it tasted SO good.

Downside: rabid hunger. Upside: I got to hold this bird and he didn't pee on me.

After the feeding frenzy, we visited the La Paz waterfalls. They were really pretty, but I bet they would have been even prettier in the sunshine.

Tuesday ended up being my favorite tour out of the bunch. Another 6:50 am pick up, and this time an hour and a half bus ride to the town of Putarenas. There, we breakfasted on another delicious Costa Rican combination and then boarded a luxurious catamaran for a trip to Tortuga Island. Tortuga means "turtle" in Spanish, and the island is famous both for its pristine white beaches, but also for the many turtles in the water all around. I spent a blissful 90 minutes lying on the net of the front deck, feeling the water splash beneath me and the sun beat down. When we arrived at the island, we could snorkel if we wanted to. Given that I have nearly drowned myself every time I've tried this (don't ask; basically I forget I'm wearing the snorkel and try to dive down and see the fishes and then I end up choking on water...), I chose instead to rent a beach chair and alternate between reading and swimming in the ocean. Pure bliss. The team cooked us a first class buffet on the beach and then we had a few more hours by the sea. We rode the catamaran back to Putarenas just as the sun set.

I'm on a boat!!! :)

The sand and arrival at Tortuga Island

Our boat from a distance

Sunset on the way back to Putarenas...

Wednesday brought with it an even earlier wake-up time, as the bus picked me up at 06:10. Now, it is worth noting that the three previous tours all offered breakfast. As I didn't know that, I had been going to the Executive Lounge and grabbing some fruit, yogurt and coffee before each journey. Given the crack of dawn pick up time for this trip, I felt safe in assuming breakfast.

Hahahaha, no. So when we picked up the last group at one of the hotels, I ran into the gift shop and quickly grabbed a Luna energy bar, knowing that without sustenance, I could end up seriously hurting someone. This tour was billed as "The Original 3 in 1 Rainforest Adventure". I would rename it "A Decent but not super exciting way to spend a day". We started the tour on the Sarapiqui River, where we spotted several animals, including all kinds of birds, a three-toed sloth and a couple crocodiles.

This dude is poisonous, despite looking super cute

Hungry for humans...

After a quick break for coffee and cookies (SO glad I got the Luna bar at this point), we headed an hour or so towards to the Selva Verde lodge. I think this part of the tour was the least interesting, as basically we parked at this lodge and then walked through their hiking trail. I did see some frogs and some beautiful wildlife, but I could have also given it a pass. Lunch followed, and was weird. The choices were mashed potatoes, some sort of braised pork situation that I avoided, chicken balls (kind of like croquettes), beans and rice. There was also a decent side salad and a pasta salad. When I asked my tour guide about the food, she looked at me strangely and said, "That's the way we eat". Thus explaining the general level of overweightness I saw in the people - all that starch and anyone would be pudgy.

After this tour, we went to the Rainforest Adventures for either a zipline or an aerial tram. Three guess as to the one I picked, and the first two don't count. Yep, I did the gondola. It was pretty cool, and VERY green.

On the tram before the heavens opened up

It was also very, very, wet. That picture was taken just before the heavens opened up, and treated us to the real meaning of the words "rainforest". I ended up very, very damp. Thank goodness for my trusty yellow poncho, which kept me from being completely drenched. It was really cool, though, to be gliding through a protected rainforest while it was raining. Everything was so beautiful, and quiet and still. Definitely good for the soul, if not for the overall state of my hair and clothing.

After the rainforest, we stopped by a roadside fruit stand - mostly at the request of a couple on the tour bus who wanted to sample the local fruits and vegetables.

Local fruits

The roadside stand

I think these were described as something from a palm tree and they were boiled and they were DELICIOUS. Tasted like tomato, but not tomato. Hard to explain but noms, noms, noms.

On the way back from this stop, we hit major traffic. It seems a truck had overturned earlier, spilling his cargo all over the highway and this led to delays all day. I was supposed to be back at the hotel at 5:30pm. I didn't get off the bus until nearly 7pm. By that point I was tired, hungry and completely OVER tour busses and traffic and crazy Costa Rican driving. I was supposed to do another tour on Thursday - a visit to Arenal Volcano - but given that this tour picked up at 8am and returned at 10pm, I decided to opt out. I visited my buddy Ronald in the tour office and got a refund. I just could not with any more tours.

I spent Thursday and yesterday at the pool. I rose early - always before 7, and then had a quick breakfast before staking out my pool chair and alternating between lazing in the water or lazing under the sun. I have gotten through 3 books so far this way, and it has been amazingly relaxing. The sun goes down around 5pm here, so I've been hitting the gym at night. Being in a bathing suit every day does wonders for the desire to work out!

Today is my last day here in San Jose. I woke early (again), despite not being able to fall asleep until about 11 (due to fireworks, which apparently were set off in celebration of Christmas) and being awakened again at 2am by some noise in the hallway I couldn't identify. I managed to hit the gym and run 5k before packing everything up and checking out. I'm now sitting poolside, waiting for K's plane to land (soon!!!). We will then head westward for about 3 - 3.5 hours to get to Playa Conchal, where we will spend the next week. I've heard it is absolutely beautiful and I can't wait.

So far, it has been pura vida indeed.

Catching Up: Liechtenstein

I can't believe the last time I updated das blog was back in September! I really need to be more disciplined about this - especially since I have put myself on a Facebook hiatus given my tendency to want to get way too involved in some online debates (hours and hours of time I will never get back).

So, what has been going on since September? Lots of travel - as per usual. Some of it for fun (my brother's wedding), most of it for work. I've traveled so much this year that since June I've already hit Lufthansa's highest frequent flyer level. After E and A came, W came to visit me and we had a fantastic time. On the spur of the moment, we decided on an overnight trip to Liechtenstein. You may recall that W is the one who "encouraged" me to paraglide off a 2,000m mountain in August - so it probably shouldn't come as a surprise that our short trip involved me hiking up the side of one of the mountains (namely Alpsptize in the Wetterstein Gebirge). I was woefully underprepared - both in terms of general fitness level and shoewear - but I managed to follow W up to the Summit Cross. (Learn more here: http://www.summitpost.org/alpspitze/577392). The view was breathtaking.

Keeping a smile as we make our way upward...

Above the clouds

Up at the top, near the cross

After hiking, we spent some time in the town of Vaduz, and also hiked up to the castle in that town. The walk up wasn't as bad as the mountain, but was tough as it was very steep. As the royal family still actually lives in the castle, we couldn't go in. We left the town shortly thereafter due to an infestation of Asian tourists pouring out of all parts of tour busses. I have been to Asia, and I have nothing personally against any nationality. However, it is an undeniable fact that the majority of Asians (and by "Asian" I mean the conventional American understanding, which does not include India - but rather Japanese and Chinese mostly) make horrible tourists! They crowd everything, take photos of EVERYTHING and are, by any cultural standard, quite rude. Both W and I were physically pushed out of the way. No "Excuse me". Not even a gesture - I get it you don't speak the language, but a smile and pointing is universal. Nope. You know how two objects cannot occupy the same space? Well, that is super true because when an Asian tourist wants to occupy your space, it's like you don't even exist.

Side note: Yes, I know Americans can make AWFUL tourists. I fully own this. In fact, I can always find my countrymen and women by simpling closing my eyes and listening for the LOUDEST voices - anywhere. Americans traveling tend to be uncouth, poorly dressed, somewhat rude and ridiculously loud and boisterous. That being said, you can usually count on them for at least an "excuse me" or "pardon". They will probably say it loudly while wearing breakaway basketball pants and a t-shirt from Disneyland, but they do say it.

On the way back, I had the pleasure of encountering the inflexibility of the Austrian police. So, to get to Liechtenstein, we drove south in Germany and then crossed through both Switzerland and Austria. My GPS system clearly indicated that we had a toll road on the way, and so W. had Euro ready to pay. On the way down, we didn't notice any sort of toll booth or relevant signage and so made the assumption that maybe somehow we were routed around the toll area. On the way back, we did see a sign or two that looked like this (see below), and so we calculated that we owed something between 4 and 9 Euro. We had cash, we were ready.

Note it does not say where to pay the toll ANYWHERE

We may have even seen a sign or two that looked like this:

Here you can get a Vignette.

Keep in mind that neither of us speak German very well, and even with my lessons all I understood was that this was where someone would "buy a vignette". For my entire life, my understanding of the word vignette has been:

vi·gnette

vinˈyet/

noun

1. 1.

   a brief evocative description, account, or episode.
2. 2.

   a small illustration or portrait photograph that fades into its background without a definite border.

verb

1. 1.

   portray (someone) in the style of a vignette.

Also keep in mind the signs in between countries tend to be woefully small, with the exception of the old Customs crossings. In truth, the signs between Ohio and Pennsylvania are more clear and visible than between Switzerland and Austria, or Austria and Germany. So we're just cruising along and then up ahead I see dividers separating the road into two lanes, with a police officer standing in between. I slow down and W starts getting excited. "I bet they are stopping us to check for refugees!" she exclaimed. (Which does, in fact, make sense - given that many of the refugees sneak into Germany by way of the Austrian border.)

The police officer gives me a stern look and waves me to the right, where I join a queue of other perplexed-looking travelers. I get ready to pop the trunk, and I pull out my EU residency permit just in case. At this point, I sort of ready to be a part of modern day history. Up walks a very stern looking Austrian police officer. I roll down my window and he lets go a stream of very angry German. I try to explain, in German, that I only speak a very little bit of his language and it would be great if he could speak more slowly, when he cuts me off with "Anglisch? Eeeenglish?". I nod, and then he proceeds to lecture me about not paying the toll. Oh, I think - we've got this! I gesture towards W who now has the Euro out and ready.

Austrian police officer was not amused. He asked for my license and registration and tells me (still very sternly) that I do not have the necessary toll sticker. The conversation went a bit like this:

Austrian Police Officer (APO): You do not have a vignette. You need a vignette.
Me: Vignette? I didn't see any signs about a, um, vignette?
APO: Did you not see that this is a toll road?
Me: Yes, we did. That's why we have our money ready.
APO: No, you need a vignette. It clearly says so on the sign.
Me: We saw a sign that said toll road, and how much we were to pay, and --
APO: Did you not see that you need a vignette?
Me: ... I may have seen that word, but I don't know what you mean by it. In English, ---
APO: Vignette! (pauses) Sticker. You need a toll sticker.
Me: Oh! Ok. But it didn't say where to buy one.
APO: You buy it anywhere - gas stations, libraries, stores. Everyone knows this.
Me: ...
APO: You do not have a sticker.
Me: Ok, can I buy one?
APO: No. You must pay 120 Euro fine. Come with me now.

And so I followed the officer to a little trailer they had set up, apparently for just this purpose. I tried to be polite, and asked the officer if he happened to have any examples of the sign we clearly missed, so that I don't make the mistake again in the future. He pulls out a BINDER filled with basically the same picture from different parts of Austria (so clearly, this is not the first time he has gotten this question) and proceeds to flip through it angrily, showing me all the signs. "Even in English!", he yells at one point. I concede, that yes - absolutely - it does say "Toll road" and "Must have vignette" in English. I tried to explain that it does not explain that apparently in Austria, a vignette is not a short story but rather a toll sticker - and also that it says nowhere on any sign where one can purchase said vignettes.

I think this was just too much for him. "YOU CAN BUY AT ANY GAS STATION! LIBRARY! STORE! ANY ONE OF THEM! EVERYONE IS KNOWING THIS!"

I really didn't want to spend the night in an Austrian jail (although W would have loved it because she would have a) taken a pic of me in handcuffs, b) left me there overnight and c) had a great story to tell) so I did not point out that everyone, in fact, is NOT knowing this. I handed over my debit card and returned to my car 120 Euro poorer and with a greater appreciation for the rigid nature of the Germanic culture.

**Side note: a bit of research has shown me that the guy actually DID help me out by only making me pay half the full fine, which is normally 240 Euro; but still. Given that I was driving through Austria for about 7.5 minutes, he could have just let me go with a warning.**

Lesson? Before I travel ANYWHERE again that is outside the small radius of my home/work/airport comfort level, I'm spending some serious time on Google to make sure I don't encounter any more weird shit.

The best part of this? When I told coworkers, EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM was like "Vignette? Oh yeah, everyone knows all about this. You need it for Austria, and some parts of Switzerland and they are really quite affordable - sometimes just 20 or 30 Euro for a whole year."

In case anyone from the Austrian highway department happens to find my blog, I'd like to share that:

EVERYONE DOES NOT KNOW ALL ABOUT THIS.
VIGNETTE DOES NOT EQUAL STICKER IN THE ENGLISH SPEAKING WORLD.
IF YOU WANT ME TO BUY A STICKER, THEN PUT "GO BUY A STICKER" ON THE SIGN - AND HERE'S A THOUGHT. PERHAPS ADD AN ICON OF A STORE, OR A GAS STATION. THESE ALREADY EXIST. YOU CAN PROBABLY EVEN GET ONE FOR FOR FREE ON GOOGLE OR ASK YOUR BUDDIES WHO MAKE THE EXIT SIGNS.
ALSO, 120 EURO FOR YOUR SIGN BEING BUSTED IS NOT AT ALL A GOOD WAY TO ENCOURAGE TOURISM.

Unbeknownst to me, W was very familiar with this concept, having traveled quite a bit in some Eastern European countries where this was the norm, but even she missed the point of the signs.

But in my defense, VIGNETTE? Come on.
Yes, I did Google translate "toll sticker" and in German it is Vignetten. And I feel you for that, I do. But if you're going to translate it to English, the answer is not to just remove the "n".

So for anyone thinking of driving around Austria, Bulgaria, Czech Republic, Hungary, Moldova, Romania, Slovakia, Slovenia or Switzerland, can I just suggest a little light reading?

AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR VIGNETTES!!!